Comforting Your Body and Butt Buddy

 

All bikepacking journeys begin the same; Hope and aspiration, excitement and, to be honest, a bit of trepidation. Some journeys end when the body demands fair treatment, and long days become ordeals that may violate the Geneva convention on torture.

I'm speaking of sore butts. And numb hands. You see, for most of my 67 past riding years I rode in some pain. Often a lot of pain. After literally dozens of saddles, I came to the conclusion that none worked, although some were 'less miserable' on the Butt-O-Meter.

Until...

Several years ago I noticed that my right leg was functionally shorter than the other, by about a half inch. My right foot kept unclipping out of the SPDs, and I could feel it floating at the top of each peddle stroke. I tried cleat shims. No! No, because hike-a-bike became miserable, and walking around with a metal lump on one shoe was...just no. Besides, couldn't clip in reliably, and didn't make any difference anyhow. Tried lowering the saddle to compensate. No, as my other leg started hurting, and peddling efficiency went bye-bye.

Then I read about the leather Saddle Fairy, who's velvet butt is tenderly kissed by the comfy magic abounding beside the babbling Brooks, slathered in mystic Proofide. “Oh”, said I, “This must be the fount of comfort”. And I sippeth of the Koolaid that is leather. Alas, They Hurt. All five leather saddles, three brands, they all hurt. A lot. Naughty saddles! I even had a visit to the doc (and missed a bikepacking trip) because of...well, one of my acorns got pinched and bruised by the nasty, hard saddle!

The miserable things were adjusted every way imaginable, and at all angles (two of which are not legal in any of the fifty States) with not but bad luck. In disgust, the dead cowhide contraptions were made sacrifice to the eBay God, and I resigned myself to a fate of burning bottoms and a pain filled existence.

After aborting another Tour Divide, riding on my least miserable synthetic saddle, this time for nasty saddle sores, and en-route visit to the doc for infected same, I feared that my long adventures were over.

Butt...(ha, I made a pun)...I noticed that the right sides of all my saddles were worn more than the left. And the worst sores were always on my right. And the saddle trim on the right side was bent down a bit. Hmmm.

Turns out that I a) sit asymmetrically on the saddle, b) have a functional leg shortness on the right side, and c) all synthetic saddles put more pressure on the right side each ride, and spring back to deliver pain the next ride.

What I needed was a saddle that would deform to fit my warped arse, and stay that way. Something like a leather saddle!

So I dug the remaining leather saddle out of the heap-O-failed-beasties. It was cowering under the saddle I call the 'Scrotimizer'. Then, I noticed that it was slightly deformed on the right side, with the leather just a wee bit lower than the left side. Thinking that a relief slot may help in letting my right side squash the seat lower, I cut a slot. Zooming forward, past the leather break-in agony, several hundred, indeed near a thousand miles later, the saddle deformed, dropping the right side lower by half an inch, and the pain lessened to the point that I didn't think about my saddle on rides, until I, well, I thought about the saddle. And it was good. Not great, butt (ha) good.

In my new found delirium, I danced for joy (OK, not danced. You never want to see me dance), and bought another leather saddle, this time with a slot. Same break-in pain, butt (I crack ( 'crack', a pun within a pun!) myself up) faster and same permanent deformation, same 'more comfortable' feeling. And another leather saddle, this time a different width, and yet another, and another! All of them worked. Er, except Selle Anatomica. Three. Sucked. Seriously, worst sucked ever.

Now all of my bikes, and I've got more than a few, wear leather. It's the latest thing, and sooo fashionable.

Then there's hand pain and numbness. Terminated another TD for numb hands. Ever try shifting a loaded mountain bike by reaching over with the other hand because one hand won't work? Just say 'No'. Turns out some of hand issues were related to saddles. If'n you're not sitting just so on the saddle, then too much weight on the hands results, and presto!

Padded gloves. Don't mention padded gloves. All padding in gloves is located almost, but not quite precisely, to the millimeter, in the wrong spots. Need to keep pressure off the ulnar nerve? Hey, we've got a glove with extra padding where the nerve is, that compresses your nerve even more! What engineer thought that the way to relive pressure is to add more pressure? Find me a glove with s-l-o-t-s where the nerves are. As it is, my least painful gloves are none, followed by all leather palms. Oh, and I don't get hand numbness as much anymore, even with padded gloves, as I use aero bars a lot. Glove engineers? Phooey, I say!

Think of all this as a slow moving, homemade bike-fit train wreck, but in reverse. The astute reader, and aren't you all in that category, will say, “Get thee to a bike fitter”. Know any local fitters that a) Aren't 20 year old shaved leg racers who b) know what bikepacking involves, or c) don't ask what 'category' you're in, and d) restrain from telling me to “Bring your road bike in for a fit and you can transfer the measurements to your mountain bike” ? Me neither.

Often self-reliance is the best, in the 'end' (dang, another...).